


I think I'm OKAY

by c_h_i_l_l



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Sad with no comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:35:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28972917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_h_i_l_l/pseuds/c_h_i_l_l
Summary: Since he has any memory of himself as an individual everything hurts
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 1





	I think I'm OKAY

**Author's Note:**

> This one's a bit of a blue one and there's mentions of blood, if that makes you uncomfortable maybe you shouldn't read it. 
> 
> Basically take care of yourself.

It hurted.

What, exactly? Remus didn't know, but he knew it was something. Since he has any memory of himself as an individual everything hurts. You can never recover entirely from a full moon when the other one arrives.

It's not just that, however. If it wasn't the migraines or his back, it was the fact that he'll always have to deal with them. That alone was enough to leave him in bed the whole day, wishing and hoping and tasting iron on his tongue

The blood from his lip. He bits them when he mopes too much. Imagine the state of his mouth... Better not; you'll get disgusted.

Remus feels he should be paying attention. All his friend are on the common room talking about something, but it's like trying to hear a conversation underwater. Of course, he could just swim to the surface and be a proper friend instead of the egomaniac he found himself to be with a little bit of introspection, but it's easier to stick to knowing grounds.

Beside him, Sirius Black laughs about something James Potter just said. Remus feels warm, but not enough to actually be a feeling more than what he imagine it would be. You could never know with Sirius, being the person he was. Remus, being what he was, certainly couldn't.

They were nice to him, really, but it wasn't their fault being unable to understand. While he leaves the social circle unnoticed, Remus thinks he doesn't understand it either. Was he able to put in words the hate and the pain, the fact that the person who he hated the most was himself? And why was that, if not to pretend to be sad, to draw the attention he hates so much to himself?

Remus is a mess. That is the only thing he knows about himself. A proper mess, disgusting from whoever angle you look at him and so full of so many scars. He doesn't mean the ones on his body, although there's plenty of that, too.

"Moony?"

"Hi" Sirius sits next to him on Remus' bed

"You just left" He said smiling a bit, trying so hard to be there for him "It's everything alright?"

_No, actually,_ Remus wanted to say. _Nothing's fine Sirius_ _. It's_ _such a stupid question. You're so clever, how can somebody as clever as you be so stupid? Cause I won't make it out, you know? Either of us will. There's a war breathing on our necks and everything under my skin feels like shit because no matter how hard I try, it's never enough. Never. There isn't anything for me outside but you and you and you and you and_

"Sure. Just a bit tired"

"Because of tomorrow?" Sirius asks, eyebrows furrow in concerned.

Remus hated when he cared. He's just hurting himself.

"Yeah"

"Don't worry. We'll be there"

Not for long.

What a dark thing to think about, but Remus is a dark creature with a dark future, so obscure it's impossible to see through it. To the other side where things are actually fine and he doesn't have to lie anymore. A future that's not even there.

He feels once again the blood on his tongue. It's gross.

"I know Pads"


End file.
